In and Out…Of Love. Here’s Some of What I’ve learned…

All Aboard!  As you board the train I hand you a black and white business card which reads:

“Our interactions with one another reflect a dance between love and fear.” ~Ram Dass

In my personal experience, I’ve learned that it is sometimes easier to dance this journey of life solo rather than in partnership.  Many of us have experienced life both in relationships and outside of them.

Both are just as sweet…  Yes, it’s true…

And thus we begin this week’s journey down the [Life] tracks…KICK IT! (When I say kick it, I mean the music that I felt appropriate for this post – All ABOARD!)

I’d like to offer up some lessons I have learned in my dance in and out of relationships:

1. They are not meant to last forever.

Our society seems to put a lot of pressure on the idea that things will last forever.  But the truth is, everything is impermanent.

After a recent break-up, I found myself feeling as though I had failed the relationship. Then I stepped outside of my conditioned thinking and discovered that love and failure do not reside together.

For when you have loved, you have succeeded—every time.

It was Wayne Dyer that introduced me to the rather practical concept that “not every relationship is meant to last forever.” What a big burden off my back!  Of all the souls hanging out on this planet, it seems to make sense that we might have more than one soul mate floating around.

Relationships can be our greatest teachers; it is often through them that we discover the most about ourselves. In relationships, we are provided with an opportunity to look into a mirror, revealing what we need to work on as individuals, in order to be the best version of ourselves.

Each relationship will run its course, some a few weeks, months, years, or even a lifetime. This is the unknown that we all leap into.

2. Attachment is often the cause of suffering.

We sometimes cling to people in an attempt to hold them closer, but this often pushes them further away.

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The Path To Healing

In love there is nothing to grasp; it is so expansive that trying to capture it is like trying to capture water with a net. When we attempt to control where a relationship is going, we become disconnected with the sweetness of the moment.

Ram Dass shared one of the most exquisite paradoxes: “As soon as you can give it all up, you can have it all.”

It is silly to think that we can own someone’s love, but many of us have tried to do it.

I often find myself fantasizing about how my future will unfold with a new partner, but it is in that moment when I fall out of the present.

We have the opportunity to surrender to the natural flow of relationships, letting go of our proposed outcomes and taking ourselves out of the driver seat.

This means being fully present in moments of intense love, conflict, uncertainty, vulnerability, and joy.

3. Being vs. doing.

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“CLICK” the image for the message…

In the beginning of relationships, we strive to show up as our best selves, hoping to impress the other person and to receive their love in return. In most cases, we are focused on doing simply because we want to make an outstanding impression on the person we fancy.

But if you’re anything like me, being and doing are extremely hard to keep up at the same time.

In relationships there is work, but there isn’t much we have to actively do. In fact, doing can often be associated with attempting to control a situation.

The place where we should hang out is in the being. Being allows us to show up as our authentic selves. When we show up as humans “being”, something magical happens. Being is our natural state. Love thrives in this space.

4. Allow for change.

Don’t be attached to any particular way your partner is showing up each day. Change is inevitable. As “humans being”, we are constantly growing and discovering new passions and experiences.

For example, next week your partner might wake up with the realization that they want to leave their job as a lawyer and become a yoga instructor. How will you respond?

Love is the GREATEST dance in life...

Love is the GREATEST dance in life…

The news might be shocking and somewhat unusual, but change happens. The question is, can you allow space for that?  I learned this lesson the hard way.  I’m confessing in hopes that you won’t (make the same mistake).

Oftentimes it is harder to embrace change within others than it is to accept within ourselves. If you are anything like me, consistency is super important; however, completely unrealistic. Someone once told me “you are consistent with your inconsistency.” I initially took this as an insult, but now I see it as a practical strength. It shows movement and willingness to change.

I’m not saying my post today is a panacea or right for everyone but, I do know this… Love is the greatest dance in life. Surrender to each step, hold your partner close to your heart, but don’t grasp. If we can allow ourselves to enter into partnerships with this awareness, it may dramatically shift the way we see and experience relationships and love…

And remember everything is impermanent except the Love of our Lord and Savior, Jesus, the Son of God.  Enjoy the ride Passengers…

All Aboard!  The LifeTrain!

 

3 comments on “In and Out…Of Love. Here’s Some of What I’ve learned…
  1. Carmen says:

    Excellent post Mr. Conductor! This train ride was so full of eye-openers. It’s always a good thing to hear the view-points of others. It causes me to consider other options that I hadn’t thought of when making decisions.

    Lesson #1, “They are not meant to last forever” was a very good point. When I first read this line, I thought…”We don’t go into a relationship expecting or looking forward to it ending, we want it to last for the long haul and for the most part will do what it takes for that to happen…(at least from a personal standpoint). Whether it be casual, close or intimate, Don’t we all want our relationships to last forever?” But then as I continued to read, I understood the truth to the statement. In THIS life, all relationships will come to an end. However, while I’m here for my remaining days, I would like for the relationships that are formed to last for as long as I am here.

    Then you brought another side out with the Wayne Dyer concept, ‘not every relationship is meant to last forever.’ I guess this would apply to the reason, season, lifetime concept. People come into our lives to serve a purpose. I kind of have a little difference of opinion to the sole mate concept. I’m not knocking your nor Dyer’s concept, but this is how I view it. In my opinion, we only have one true sole mate. I believe we have more than a physical attaction to our sole mate. Which brings me to this point…we must learn and understand the difference between love, lust, and infactuation. All relationships take work, but I feel that when you are with your sole mate, the work is less tedious. We do have a connect with those other than our sole mate and may very well be able to have a good relationship that is workable, (I believe these initially start from the love, lust, infactuation stance), but that person is not our sole mate. After the lust and the infactuations have been spent, then what do you have left if there is no real connection? I like the point you made, ‘love and failure do not reside together.’ In my opinion, when you truly love someone, (that “sole mate”), working past the trials that come in relationships, no matter how big or painful it may be, will not cause an end. In my opinion, there is a deep unexplainable love and connection with a sole mate.

    I also would like to comment on lesson #3, Being vs Doing. That is really a good breakdown of ‘human beings’. Good point made, “…doing causes us to attempt to control our situations” but “being allows for us to be our authentic selves”. As you stated, humans ‘being’ IS magical because we are free to be who we are, we don’t have to pretend (be controlled and always on guard) to be something that we are not. If you are a human ‘being’, then you will not have an issue with your partner also wearing that same title. Allowing one another to ‘be’ is essential for a successful relationship. That’s real freedom, where that unexplainable love can reside, and life can be lived in harmony.

    I could comment on all of your lessons easily because they are all very good points, but I won’t take up any more of your time. Thank you again Mr. Conductor for sharing such wonderful rides here on the LifeTrain. May God add a special blessing as He blesses you with the desires of your heart!

    Your faithful passenger,
    Carmen

  2. chuckie says:

    Carm! Don’t stop! The train is for everyone to comment and purge at will and length! Good post My Sis! Love ya!

  3. Rpk says:

    The life lessons you so eloquently write about never cease to amaze me. I’ve always had the prince on the white horse fairy tale running through my mind (it is still difficult as an adult who has experienced divorce and heartbreak) to break the cycle of Mr. Perfection and the happily ever after. So the concept of relationships not lasting for the proverbial “lifetime” was a little disheartening for me.

    I appreciate the different ideology that you hold regarding being and doing; you’re right, many of us do the mating dance in the beginning of relationships and fail miserably at trying to hold our face up after the facade comes crashing down.

    Thank you for the reminder that life lessons are learned even in heartbreak.