Ride The Lifetrain w/Chuckie

All Aboard! Head on back to the Doctor’s office, Dr. Diedra Hayman and apples of gold your conductor are bringing you SESSION Three of Therapy Thursdays. Today we look at what are some of the hindrances to us’ins relating in a more intimate way. I really enjoy’d this particular session and my allergies (wink, wink) almost started flaring up as the Doc was bringing back some of my own stuff. But hey, I am the Ultimate MACHO MAIN and that moment passed REAL QUICK; I recognized her tricks!

Note to self, I must say, she is good at getting one to open up…

CHUCKIE: What issues can cause one to struggle in the area of intimacy with the opposite sex?
Dr.Dee: Gosh Chuckie, there are so many issues that can cause problems with intimacy in general, as well as intimacy with the opposite sex, in particular. I think you did something on that issue a few months ago, and several people, including yourself, came up with some very good reasons why people struggle in this area. If you pop that in a search engine, you will find another hundred or so reasons. But the big ones seem to be related to inability to trust, mental health issues including active addictions, failure to cultivate intimacy (which can be an issue of priority), childhood issues, cultural influences (including gender roles and stereotypes) and negative past experiences.

CHUCKIE: Is it more prevalent in one sex?
Dr.Dee: I suspect its more recognizable in men than in women. Women generally are trained from babyhood, to talk, to share their emotions, to get close. Men, in general, are taught that the macho thing to do is swat someone on the butt, suck it up, and keep your business to yourself. And if they do share, its the bare minimum, whereas women want to go into all the gory details of whatever. The other issue is that men generally are more likely to feel vulnerable, which is what intimacy requires, by the way, and men just don’t care for that feeling of vulnerability.

CHUCKIE: What types of childhood issues could cause such barriers?
Dr.Dee: Well, how a person attached or failed to attach to a parent or caregiver can set one up for intimacy problems. If you grow up in a household where you could not trust the world (ie your caregiver) to meet your needs, it becomes very difficult to trust that people “out there” will meet your needs. Since the ability to trust is one of the necessary elements to intimacy, people who never learn to trust never learn to become intimate emotionally. Also, if a person grows up in an abusive household, or being abused by people they are supposed to be able to count on, intimacy becomes very risky. Its simply too dangerous to share too much of themselves, because often that information was used against the person to perpetuate the abuse. Low self-esteem can also pose a barrier to intimacy, and this is usually something that develops during childhood. If we never learn to love ourselves, its difficult to believe someone else will.

CHUCKIE: Have you found that divorce can lend greatly to this issue?
Dr Dee: That really depends on the person. Certainly, a divorce can cause problems with intimacy, but generally its safe to say that the problems that caused teh divorce are more likely responsible than the actual divorce itself. Some people are more resilient than others. They are able to understand within themselves that whatever happened in that marriage was something unique to that marriage, and it doesnt necessarily mean that the next partner will be the same. Others simply cannot bring themselves to separate the past from the present and future, and their damaged ability to trust will give them trouble with intimacy for years to come.

CHUCKIE: Should one seek help?
Dr Dee: Certainly one should seek help if they realize that they do in fact have trouble establishing intimate relationships. Problem is, many people who do have trouble, tend to believe its the other person! In fact, in many cases, people who have problems with intimacy, tend to be drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable. In other words, they tend to be drawn to people with whom they will NOT have to actually become intimate, while at the same time claiming to be seeking intimacy from that person. If the other person were to actually become emotionally available, then the seeker would probably turn around and find a reason why they cant be in that relationship. Its just becoming too close for comfort!

CHUCKIE: Doc, I came up with a Chuckism as I am so apt to do. I call it emotional impotency. For example, can a person be hurt by a spouse, lover, or church to the point of becoming emotionally impotent? One may want to love and be loved, or be active in the church, but due to catastrophic experiences, have trouble connecting?
Dr Dee: Absolutely. That really gets us into how people sometimes respond to traumatic events. If someone we trust hurts us deeply, damaging our ability to trust, sometimes, people are traumatized by that event. One of the behaviors associated with post trauma response is emotional numbing. We just don’t feel anymore. Another behavior associated with post trauma response is avoidance of anything that reminds us of the traumatic event…so we avoid relationships. We avoid connecting with others. We pretend to get involved, but we hold ourselves back emotionally. We become, as you say, emotionally impotent. Now another thing that can happen after deep hurt, is, you guessed it, depression and grief. If you remember, one of the symptoms of depression is lack of interest in things you used to enjoy…such as sex and close relationships…and also social withdrawal. You simply don’t want to be around folks. Or if you have no choice, or you are keeping up the front, you simply don’t get too close. You keep it all on the surface.

CHUCKIE: Well, we need to wrap this one up. Is there anything you want to add?
Dr Dee: Yes, emotional intimacy rests on emotional health. That means taking time to discover and address your own emotional needs, even if it means getting in to a therapist or pastor. Emotional intimacy also requires a good bit of courage and a positive attitude. It takes courage to allow yourself to become vulnerable to another human being, especially since we have all been hurt by someone at some time somewhere. And we do tend to draw the energy we send out. If we expect betrayal, we tend to draw people who give us what we are looking for. If we expect emotional distance, we tend to draw people who are emotionally unavailable.

CHUCKIE: Well Doc, Session three is in the can. Thanks for stopping by the Train. Is there anything you’d like to close with. Oh, let me remind the Passenger’s that your website is . A place where professional help can be found at a great price…FREE! Now, again…is there anything else you’d like to leave us with today?
Dr.Dee: Well, yes there is as a matter of fact. Given that my organization is founded in Christianity I’d like to leave our passengers with a few scriptures from the Bible:

…and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had made. And God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it…Gen.2:2-3
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy…But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord…Ex. 20:11
…the Son of man is Lord also of the Sabbath. Luke 6:5, Mark 2:28
And he (Paul) reasoned in the synagogue every Sabbath, and persuaded the Jews and the Greeks. Acts 18:4