People sometimes come into your life for a reason, sometimes it’s known why…somtimes not. It is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and it is now time to move on.
Not always easy to do, letting go, but a neccessary effort none the less…
When my mom died fourteen years ago I think I experienced all seven stages of grief. When my sister died five years later, I was just plain angry. I was so angry that it gave me the strength to keep going, and to accomplish all of the tasks that needed to be handled. I didn’t experience the sadness and depression until nearly a year later.
I know that the death of a loved one is different from the loss of a love relationship. But I believe that we still experience those same stages of grief. And I agree with you Chuckie. We do sometimes get stuck in anger and depression. From what I understand it is normal to go back and forth or to experience some of the stages more than once during the grief process. But right now I just want to feel better. I am tired of hurting. I think feeling some sustainable anger might move me toward the next stage. But, I can’t seem to feel anger towards him. I can’t seem to get angry with him for breaking his promises to me and for choosing to live his life without me in it. Just recently he wrote and told me that I am a wonderful woman who is funny, smart, and sexy. (Naturally I agree with that assessment.
) He said all those things, but still he could not tell me that he is sorry for the pain that he has caused. It would be so much easier if he could simply say I’m sorry.
I realize that life happens in an instant and that relationships can go from sweet to sour seemingly overnight. So, we really don’t have the luxury of allowing ourselves to remain stuck in the mire. I have been flat on my face praying for help with the task of letting go. I can fill up my days and avoid filling my nights in ways that I might later regret. But, as much as I try to be thankful for what I still have, as much as I am grateful for my children, my family, and my friends, my heart still can’t count or tell time.
Tammy
Tammy,
It’s comments like this that make all this writing worth while. Know that I both feel you (understand) and feel for you.
I hope this week’s date night helps out some. And since he wouldn’t…let me say. I’m sorry…from me(him) to you.
Dang gurl…I so feel you on the Just freakin say “I’m Sorry”. Those two words could move a mountain…mend a heart…heal…soothe…and be the catalyst to say…I forgive you…debt paid.
What if the person never says “I’m sorry”? What if they just don’t give a mutts hiney whether you’re hurting our not? Yes, there are people out there like that. They’re skippa-dee-doo-dah-ing through life with no worries or thoughts for what we feel or a trail of destruction behind them, and we’re still trying to get even. What if the person simply has no feelings of accountability for wrong doing, and has no intentions of ever expressing it? We don’t have any control over that. Is it our destiny to remain in a state of emotional purgatory and getting even until a person decides to bow down and say “I’m sorry for what I did”? If they did say it, would it be a sincere apology or one that was coerced from guilt?
The reality is that most people will not hold themselves accountable or responsible for the failure, of a relationship, their infidelity, dishonesty, and deceit and will not apologize. They like the comfort of the victim seat and will remain there until kingdom come. It may be more time effective to simply forgive them as an act of self-preservation and leave them behind because getting even with someone who feels that they have done no wrong could go on forever.
@ Tammy, sometimes the communication that we have with ourselves can stifle us. The communication that we have with others can send mixed messages. On the one hand you’re telling yourself that he has hurt you tremendously and you are depressed and angry. On the other hand you’re enjoying the romantic emails and remembering the intoxicating nights of dancing under the stars and telling yourself “I’m not angry at him for moving on”, then you’re sending mixed messages to him and yourself that say “He does not owe me an apology because he has not done anything.” It’s a painful thing to do but you may have to come into the here and now of pain and rejection and go from there..
Take a six week challenge. Six weeks of no emails, phone calls, or pillow hugging. No cologne sniffing at the mall, none of his favorite CDs, no fantasies. Six weeks of actively saying daily mantras and healing meditations, comfort and healing rituals, and actively planning new and different activities. Six weeks of ACTIVE rational self-talk.. when your mind says “I wish he were here.. out here doing this with me”, actively counteracting those thoughts and saying “I do not have him here but my life will go on without him”.
Six weeks. It can be done.
Thank you Chuckie. As usual your “Date Night” was very thoughtful. I’m glad you ‘think about us.’ It was especially kind of you to extend an apology for him.
Hi Gerri. Ah….mixed messages. I don’t know. On Novermber 1st he called to say he found air fare for our September trip to Hawaii. On November 25th he walked away. Its been eight months. I asked him not to call me. So, we had no communication at all for the first four months. We really haven’t exchanged a whole bunch of emails.
My son hit a rough patch with his first serious girlfriend, and in an email to my son, (he sent it to me to forward) my ex referred to me as a “wonderful woman.” I wrote back and thanked him for writing and speaking with my son. A few weeks later he sent an email that said a bit more. You can imagine the gist of it. While I thought that what he said was true, (I am indeed awfully darned wonderful) what he wrote didn’t excite me and I told him so. It only made me feel sad. I also told him that I deserved an apology:
“I know your reasons for leaving are your reasons; and you don’t feel the need to explain them to me no matter how much I may need to hear them. I understand that logically. But, I hope that one day you will move past your own guilt and discomfort, and find the words to tell me you are sorry you had to hurt me the way that you did. I know you can’t do that right now. But, I am holding out hope that one day you will simply say it.”
In 11 years he never stuck to one cologne. The only thing I could possibly do is to go and spray myself with a bunch of different brands of mens cologne. And if I did that, I would just end up reeking.
I do realize that email is as bad as picking up the phone. As far as anger goes, I have honestly not felt much anger. It was such an unexpected blow. I felt stunned. I feel hurt, sad, depressed, and rejected. I can sling “lousy you know whats” with the best of them. But, I have not felt that urge. Anger usually allows me to move past some things, so when he left I initially told myself that the anger would come and allow me to feel better. I want very badly to feel better.
Will I be able to do it in six weeks when I haven’t been able to do it in eight months?
Tammy
I can’t wait for the next chapter! Seriously, great comments and I must confide I am learning from you guys….been rather a blessing of sorts. Got a cut recently, applying another band-aid. Facing mortality is a must, but tough none the less.
I hate having to be the moderator cause sometimes I want to kick, scream and shout about some stuff as well. Sometimes ya just wanna scream…LIFE AIN’T FAIR…But alas, I gotta act like I have it all together, with this big “S” on my chest…snicker…snicker.
I will never fail to tell you guys how much I appreciate the participation.
Thanx!
@Tammy, there are a couple of people right now that I would love to beat the living crap out of. One in particular.. well, I won’t go there. When hurt and pain get to the point of being debilitating, humiliating, and stifling, it’s time to gradually take steps to let it go. Not saying that I am impervious to pain, of course I’m not.. but no one gets that kind of power over me. NO one. Life is too short and there is too much joy to be had..
Waking up every morning into the here and now has taught me that these people will not stop doing their skippidee-doo-dah dancing no matter how much you blame and hold them accountable for what they do. Sure they’ll throw us a snot rag, but ultimately ability to heal our own wounds lies within us. My thinking is that if someone would have no more respect for you than to leave you hanging by a wet paper string, he certainly does not deserve to keep a piece of your soul..
I believe that a six week commitment to happiness, joy, and peace is a feasible commitment and is worth the time and effort involved.
Thank you Chuckie for providing this forum. When we go through painful experiences I think we sometimes have a tendency to think that there is no one else out there who is feeling what we are feeling. I know I have a tendency to feel that way. I think I surfed upon and felt compelled to respond to your profile on BPM for a reason.
Gerri-
My spirit is still here. My biggest issue is listening!
Thank you for always providing a different perspective. I enjoy and appreciate your comments. They make me think. I believe you’ve made a few assumptions where my story is concerned. But, I know that you’ve made them based on the comments/information I’ve shared here on the Lifetrain.
I recognize the fact that I have been mired in the past. I’ve admitted that. You’ve made me see that I’ve been focusing on what I feel I’ve lost, (him and everything he brought into my life) instead of the ‘wonderful woman’ that he chose to leave-me.
Thank you for making the point that his apology wouldn’t necessarily make me feel better. I needed to accept the fact that the abiliity to feel better and successfully move past this point lies within me. I have failed to foucus on the fact that I am: smart, funny, sexy, sensual, open, adventurous, thoughtful, loyal, honest, kind, caring, (straightforward but still sensitive,) passionate, compassionate, and loving. I failed to stay mindful of the fact that I possessed all of those characteristics before I invited him into my life, and that he did not take them with him when he left. My mantra will definitely not be: “Gimme back my stuff…….!”
Tammy
“I failed to stay mindful of the fact that I possessed all of those characteristics before I invited him into my life, and that he did not take them with him when he left.”
**Good vibes**
.. that’s true.. I’ve always enjoyed Ntozake Shange’s play ‘For Colored Girls Who Considered Suicide When The Rainbow is Enough”. My favorite poem from the play is “Somebody almost ran off with all my stuff”. Being mindful of the qualities that you already possess are the pathway to healing.
Wow..:) it’s funny reading back over this stuff that we’ve done on the LifeTrain. When I wrote this stuff I was mad at someone who had hurt me was and really determined not to let them get the best of me, and felt compassion for my Life Train family. I wanted Tammy and Chuckie to fight too… and they always do in their own way and teach me things as well.
Thanks Chuckie for reminding us of the lessons that we’ve learned…
Wow…God is truly amazing! He is our Jehovah Rapha (Healer), Jehovah Jireh (Provider), and He is definitely our Jehovah Shalom (Peace)…He is our All in All. As always, when I read through these comments, I was overwhelmed by one thing…How awesome God is…through all of our difficult times…and I emphasize the word “Through”, because we made it through only by His grace and mercy, He never let us down. Relationships are something…As I read this post I was reminded of a revelation that I had during one of my relational storms…God reminded me that it wasn’t about my needs being met by those that crossed my path, but He was placing me there for them. What a wake up call for me…We are His instruments of peace…we are His eyes to go out to minister to those in need, we are His hands to touch and minister where needed…we are His conduits through which He works. When we acknowledge Him, He directs our paths. Trust…He will take care of us…He will meet every need. We are His workmanship created in Christ…He already has planned the work for us to do. Let’s Work! or I should say let’s get out the way so He can work.