As if I actually know how to do relationships…LOL. Anyway, I thought it would be useful to provide some
straight-from-the-heart “THOUGHTS” (disclaimer: Just my thoughts) about magnificent relationships. Sooner or later almost everyone finds themselves in an intimate relationship. Too often, in my opinion, they end up being mediocre at best and painful at worse. I imagine you know all too well what I mean. Sometimes, I think I will resolve to being a “Lone Wolf”. However, I know she’s out there and I AM SO excited….anyway…
Anyway, You were “there” and you wish it could have been better than it was (or is right now).I am convinced that relationships of any quality are not mysteries. It takes specific ingredients to create a mediocre or a painful connection with another person. Sadly, most of us create serial relationships of minimal quality with maximum blame on our partner’s inadequacies and never seriously search for the real reasons that things went bad. We simplistically believe that a new partner will be the solution.
That “creative” idea will usually fail and nothing truly new will occur until we include new attitudes and behaviors in our relationships. (The definition of neurotic is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time.”).
What does it take to create a magnificent relationship? If it is not a mystery, then what are the basic ingredients? I have listed some thoughts below. I consider them secrets because I rarely, if ever, hear them discussed by couples, marriage counselors (and I vistied my share in an attempt to save mine) or the media. They are, however, powerful contributors to the creation of a relationship (marriage) that is wonderful, strong, growthful and life-transforming. I firmly believe that had their been a willingness to subscribe to the following “ALL” marriages would stand a more than fighting chance…If you feel like I am pointing a finger of blame, remember three are pointing at MWAH!
Here we go…
1. Partnership. The old gender-based, role-defined model for successful marriage is dead (it died in the 20th century) and the new, evolving model is one of equal partnership in which all responsibilities are shared and/or negotiated based on ability, time and willingness.
2. Intimacy. Intimacy is now the ultimate goal of committed partnership. It means open-hearted depth sharing and the possibility of being truly known and accepted by another human being. Relationship without intimacy is no relationship at all. TRUST ME ON THAT! Intimacy requires a set of interpersonal and intrapersonal skills that can and must be learned to create a magnificent relationship. …And by the way, sex and intimacy are two different things…
3. Love Beyond Chemistry. This means making a deep commitment to support the very best in and for your partner, no matter how difficult this may be, and doing it all in a context of forgiveness and compassion.
4. Radical Commitment. Most marriages fail because neither partner is willing to find the courage and depth in their own hearts to say and mean the following: “There is nothing you could do to cause me to leave you.” Once this is said, unexpected and miraculous avenues of healing and growth appear.
5. Spirituality. Two partners must be held together by a relationship with a divine and unconditionally loving source- JESUS! It gives their connection a meaning, a purpose and a reason to be, and a resource that sustains, heals and guides them through all of the challenges of life together. Now, I still haven’t figured this one out. How can two professed Christians divorce for anything other than infidelity? Help me out yall?
6. 100 Percent and 100 Percent. This is the “no blame policy.” Participants in ALL mediocre and painful marriages are experts at identifying their partner’s faults and blaming them for the marital difficulties. 100 percent means that each partner looks first and most deeply at his or her contributions to any and all problems.
7. Work on it! Magnificent marriages are made, not born. They are the result of day-to-day effort by both partners. This includes study, workshops, therapy, inner work and monies dedicated to the health and welfare of the relationship for as long as the two shall live. If you are not willing to work on it, then you are not grown up enough to be married (in my humble opinion). If you work on it, you will reap wonderful benefits.
Do the Chuckster a favor please, direct your “MURRIED” or bout to be “MURRIED” friends to this post. …or cut and paste and send it to them.
Good luck yall… and may God bless your union!
A relationship is two individuals coming together accepting and respecting of each others individuality that they bring to enhance the other. No one person in a relationship has all the ingredients to make a magnificent marriage. Marriage is a partnership that takes Time, Dedication, Understanding, Wisdom and most of all plenty of PRAYER. Out of all the seasoned (Not Old) married couples that have been married for over 30-40 years(without ever seperating)all say not having to be Right and saying your Sorry even if it was not your fault. They also said not trying to make the other partner into you. They said what has held them together was Communication and accepting that they other person can not and will not make them totally happy they have to be accepting and happy with who they are first so that when they got married they were not looking for someone to fill or complete a void. They shared that every day you are not going to like that other person but you will yourself( ex: when you first started working out you didn’t always like going to the gym but you will yourself because you knew that it was good for you and eventually as you continued to it got easier and easier and now you don’t even think about it it has become a part of you but it took committment,time and effort)You asked a question in #5 How can two profess to be a christian divorce? We are not all on the same level just because I have accepted Jesus Christ does not mean that I have an intimate relationship with him and only when you have a truly intimate relationship with Christ will you understand what GOD’S word say about marriage. I know that I was quite long wind and there is still a whole lot more I can say but I will stop for know I pray that something I have share help someone.
Welcome back Chuckie and with a great topic too!! Relationships are yet another reflection of the complexities of human nature. They all require work and commitment to be long-lasting and yes, successful. I believe marriage to be one of the greatest forms of challenge to the task of successfully relating. I often think about my parents who were married for 54 years at the time my dad went home to be with the Lord. I was blessed to observe a good 30+ of those years and while it was in no way a cake-walk, it taught me a lot about how to get along with another who is rightfully in your “personal space”. My dad wasn’t the greatest communicator but somehow my mom knew how he thought and felt about many things. They worked together to have a home and raise their family. I witnessed them living in the world and also when they turned to living for the Lord. That spoke volumes to me too about trust and the critical role that having a relationship with the Lord plays in having a successful marriage. I regret that I won’t have 54 years of loving, living and creating with a husband (just figuring that this temple will likely wear out before then!)Anyway, back to the subject at hand – relationships require trust and the courage to be vulnerable with another. That trust and courage only comes through spending time with another and sharing experiences. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable you aren’t afraid to communicate what you need and feel. I believe this to be the foundation for building a solid relationship with another. Intimacy is more profound in an atmosphere of trust and vulnerability!!
This past weekend I witness a true relationship seperated by GOD. As I sat in the funeral service of my grandfather I wonder if in today’s society can man and woman stay together for 62 years? I can remember my grandparents counseling with their children and their soon to be spouses on the diffculty of marriage but the one thing that stood out was “Wake up from the Fantasy” my grandparents would always say do not let the fantasy of what you and others believe marriage is dictate the reality of what it truly is. As my grandmother laughed while crying at the same time when the Priest spoke on some of the memories that she has to hold on too he reminded her of the cook off challenges that they had, the disagreements that they so often had but the Respect and Love they had for each other along with much prayer was what held them together. On monday as I was preparing to leave to return home I sat out on the front porch with my grandmother in my grandfathers chair and I asked her how she was doing and she simply said I miss him.
Chuckie my prayer for you as a friend is that you would truly open up and allow GOD heal your hurt of a broken relationship and bless you with the wife that he has choosen for you.
There are often times when we choose for ourselves based on Fantasy and when that dream is destoryed we try hard to rationalize what went wrong. There were times my grandfather would tell us we are looking for or expecting something that is really not real. A MAGNIFICENT marriage is only what you and your spouse allow GOD to make it to be, not man definition.
Wow, I am always touched by the comments that are posted on this site. They always have such insite…insite from so many different perspectives. I love it. Thank you all. I must say that comment #3 brought tears to my eyes. God bless you Yolanda and your family. It is so true…Cinderella, Sleepy beauty, etc…all these stories, while beautifully written, are fantasy…false. So many of us have these ideas in our heads that cause us to have these preceptions of relationships that are not real. As stated so wonderfully above…A Magnificent marriage is only what you and your spouse allow God to make it, not what is defined by man. I watch a show on one of the christian networks called “Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen Evans”…Although I am single, I am blessed each week by their ministry. The issues they talk about can be applied to all relationships. One thing that stuck out to me was that they created an acronymn (sp?)…INVEST…Intimacy Neccitates Value Energy Sacrifice and Trust. Placing Value on the relationship by being willing to put the Energy into it…Sacrificing your own needs by putting your spouse/friend/family’s needs first, and Trusting God. God is truly awesome.
I agree with you totally Yolanda; unless GOD is the Main point in that 3 stran cord no relationship will work out. Be it friendships or that special someone. We so often allow the flesh to take over and lead us into relationships that will not last
Get on with your life man.
Know that God is what counts.
Trust in the Lord with ALL YOUR MIGHT