KICK IT (The music for today’s post):
Hey passengers, one thing I (your LifeTrain conductor) will do is try to bring you tips that may come in handy now and in the future. We offer recurring segments to include. life tips, tech tips and even legal tips. Today we answer a question submitted by a passenger dealing with the loss of a license. Let’s head back to the Train’s legal office and chat with the Attorney, Ewing Carter III – www.Ecarterlaw.com .
Chuckie: EC III!
EC III: Oh no, I see you have been in my coffee pot again…Mr. Caffeine!
Chuckie: Washington has RG III and the LifeTrain has EC III! What’s up my brother?
EC III: It’s all good, what do you have for me this week?
Chuckie: A JOKE!
EC III: NOOOOO! Please man, PLEASE! From pee wee football, through junior high to High School to the birth of my children! You and them corny [deleted] Jokes. Please no!
Chuckie: Now you know you live for my jokes! A squirrel loses his tail and goes to the Mall for a new one, what store does he get it from?
ECIII: You know what, I know you and you won’t give up so. WHAT KIND OF STORE MAN??!!
Chuckie: wait for it…Wait for it… A RE”TAIL” STORE!
Chuckie: Ok, alright, A passenger has an issue for us to discuss, they wrote: In February of this year, I drove from my home (New York, NY) to Richmond, Virginia to visit a friend. While passing through West Virginia to Virginia, a Highway patrolman stopped me and gave me a ticket for speeding 80 mph in a 65 mph zone. I had a lot going on at the time, and forgot to pay the ticket. Last week I got stopped for speeding again in New York, and the officer said that my license had been revoked for failure to comply with an out of state citation. Now, I have two (2) new tickets: speeding 50mph in a 35 mph zone and Driving While License Suspended. My court date for these new tickets is 3 weeks away.
Chuckie: What is the most expeditious way for her to handle this problem?
EC III: Expeditious…that’s a pretty big word for you isn’t it?
EC III: My suggestion is: (1) Contact an attorney in the county or city where you received the West Virginia citation. If you don’t know exactly where it occurred, get a copy of your driving history from the DMV. Your record will tell you the county of the offense and the citation file number. Then, (2) retain an attorney in that locale to add the ticket back on the court docket for disposition. The attorney should be able to dispose of the speeding ticket without your appearance in court.
Chuckie: OK, and the new charges, how would they be handled?
EC III: As far as the new charges are concerned, you will have to personally appear in court and request a continuance, or hire local counsel to continue the cases until after the ticket in West Virginia is handled. A citation for driving while license suspended/revoked cannot be paid. Because of the seriousness of the offense, a mandatory court appearance is required. But again, if local counsel is retained, he/she can appear in your stead. These suggestions can seem expensive relative to handling a mere speeding ticket, however my response is: what is most important to you?
EC III: After handling hundreds of driving while license suspended/revoked tickets over the past 20 years, I have witnessed nice people severely damage their privilege to drive because of: (1) not knowing what to do, (2) doing the wrong things, and/or (3) simply neglecting the problem.
Chuckie: So…There is hope?
EC III: Yes, The “brighter side” – Suppose you’re living with the worst case scenario — your license is permanently revoked… In the state of North Carolina, permanent revocation means: four (4) years. So, provided, that you’ve done everything necessary in order to become eligible for license reinstatement, four years is the longest you will have to wait. Also, you can become eligible for early reinstatement (after two years), provided you request a Hearing before a DMV Officer, and follow their additional requirements.
Chuckie: Good stuff lawyer type dude…Now how bout another joke?
EC III: “GET OUT!”
Can make love stay. Kick the Mood for this post…the song.
“If I say I’m sorry enough, even for breathing, perhaps he or she will stay.”
Back in 2002 when my then spouse said she was leaving, I thank God that I realized that there was nothing, nothing I could do to make her stay…not even an apology.
Here’s why. apologizing for actually hurting someone else on purpose isn’t the same as apologizing to someone because we fear they’ll take their attention, love or companionship away.
We take a step that we think is right, based on the other person’s past reactions, and find ourselves on the wrong end of the stick. We apologize profusely, giving up any semblance of self-respect or self-worth and throw ourselves down to the ground, in hopes that we won’t be abandoned.
We’re not being genuine or authentic, we’re afraid of loss.
I believe and subscribe to what TD Jakes once said:
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person int staying with you, loving you, calling you; Let them walk!
I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you, I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you LET THEM WALK. Your destiny is never tied to anyone that left.
The Bible said that, they came out from us thst it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us.
I hear from people daily who want me to confirm that they haven’t screwed up a relationship (in most cases it’s not even a relationship—it’s fairly one-sided) permanently. They apologize to me, and to the person they figure feels slighted by them.
They are giving away power to the other person and then apologizing for it, and that is the very reason the relationship is slipping through their fingers.
Loving someone does not mean apologizing for our own, harmless actions. It’s a way of saying, “See, I’m not like the rest, trust me, I’m a doormat and would never seriously hurt anyone.”
It’s actually a manipulation.
This is supposed to catapult the object of desire into the waiting embrace of the apologizer. Many times the apologizer is also the fixer. The belief that we can fix anyone, or make their fears go away entirely, is a misnomer and has nothing to do with love. It’s about attachment and abandonment.
The apologizer lacks self-worth and value; the hope is the other person will fill that hole and give meaning to it. By constantly apologizing, we are not winning anyone over. In reality, we are being a burden to the other person.
The other person may love them, or just revel in the showering of attention to a certain degree, but at the same time grapple with the responsibility of the other person’s need for validation.
The need for validation is overwhelming to the person who apologizes. if they feel they’ve disappointed their love, they may feel their life isn’t worth living. Not an over-dramatization; we’ve all felt extreme disappointment and some of us can cope better than others.
In the case of saying I’m sorry, this person has a misconstrued sense of loyalty, love and respect of boundaries. This individual wants their mate to not have boundaries, to be 100 percent accessible to them and to always be in a state of happiness, because this individual takes their mate’s reactions so personally.
Many of us have had people in our lives who we didn’t want to lose. We’d strategize on how to show up, so we couldn’t possibly be rejected and get rejected anyway…and we perceive it, as though we did something wrong. When we’re dealing with a deeply felt pain of always being abandoned emotionally by others, we exude this outward. We believe we have a fatal flaw and in some cases, believe if we keep apologizing for it someone will finally accept us. The key to breaking a cycle such as this, is in degrees, because some of us have no awareness about our motives and hand complete control of our emotional life over to someone else.
For those who understand that changing this dynamic starts with them, here are a few steps to building self-worth, love and respect:
First, must come the recognition that it has nothing to do with other people, it’s how we show up.
We believe we’ll be rejected and then we’re rejected. Bringing awareness to our feelings–which is unsettling, because we have to get through the anxiety ruling us, because of fear of loss or abandonment, takes time.
Where were we first abandoned emotionally, how did we grow up feeling a lack of value or worth? What things do we do now to get the same rejection?
Secondly, stop apologizing.
It’s a manipulation against rejection, in the hope that someone won’t leave. When we stop apologizing it’ll be hard to resist, but in breaking the pattern, it’ll let us see the reality of the situation. It allows us to actually claim responsibility for our actions, but not from a place of failing; instead, a place of confidence. When we get that we’re fallible and it’s okay, as is our object of affection, it’s a more realistic perspective.
Leading us to number three….take the person off the pedestal.
They are not the savior, or perfect. They are flawed and human too.
This post is just a start, there’s many steps involved in the unraveling of abandonment and rejection; there’s no amount of apologizing, which will ever get us to self-worth and self-love.
I thank God I was able to understand the above…In 2002 I had laid it ALL on the line, and no apology was warranted. Only thanks to the Father for the wisdom, strength and courage to understand tat, This too shall pass. And it will for you dear passengers, I promise. Learn to love yourself and the Lord thy God!
All Aboard! The LifeTrain!
NEXT STATION STOP: “LEGAL!”, Doors opening on the left.
KICK IT! (Like wine with your meal, here’s music for your read!!!)
Hey passengers, welcome aboard. Today we take a look at one of my many conversations with Attorney Ewing Carter III. We had many conversations on legal matters that I will be sharing periodically here on the LifeTrain. So, let’s head on back to the legal car here on the train, The LifeTrain.
Chuckie: Attorney Carter, Good day to you my Lawyer, brother type friend!!
ECIII: Same to you dude. Let’s kick this weekend off right, what do you have for me?
Chuckie: Well kind sir of the legal industry, a passenger wrote in to say: I’m a local musician here in town (Charlotte, NC). My R&B / ContemporaryJazz band has been together for 2 years playing weekend gigs as a hobby. I now want to get serious because I’ve got great musicians and our name is recognizable. What is the best way for me to own the name of the band, since I started everything?
ECIII: Before answering your question, I think you should make sure that your fellow band members understand and recognize that it was “you” who started the group and was the person “instrumental” (hee! hee!) in getting the group off the ground and marketable. If you don’t have this conversation, others may believe that they provided a “substantial” contribution to the development of the group, and this may cause problems of ownership down the road. If this is not the case, then I recommend that you register the band name as a Trade Name with the North Carolina Secretary of State’s Office. The filing fee is nominal ($50.00), and it makes known to all that you are the owner of that name for five (5) years. After 5 years, the name will need to be re-registered. Registering as a trade name adds a level of professionalism to the group, as the Secretary of State’s office will research its files to insure that the name is not being used by another entity.
Chuckie: Good stuff! This was very interesting. Looking forward to a great year of interviews with you.
Chuckie: Oh, I was over a buddy’s house this past weekend. I looked at his dog and I said “SPEAK!”.
Chuckie: Do you know that rascal said?
Chuckie: “NO!”, not without my Attorney Ewing Carter present.
ECIII: “GET OUT!!!”