Welcome aboard fellow passengers.Â Thursday’s Therapy here on the LiFeTrain.
CHUCKIE:Â My good Doctor, My lovely friend, my wealth of psychological knowledge!Â Welcome back aboard the LiFeTrain!
DR. DEE:Â Flattery will get you everywhere…glad to be back aboard!Â What shall we converse on today, lay back on my couch…(laughter).
CHUCKIE:Â Doc, I sometimes find myself all over the place, spinning my wheels and sometimes not making any progress, at least none that I am happy with.Â I am my harshest critic.Â Anyway, couple that with my sleeping issues and I thought maybe we could talk about ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).
DR.DEE:Â Ok my good man but, I have been around you enough to not be ready to sign you up for Zoloft…YET!
CHUCKIE:Â What is Adult Attention Deficit Disorder?
DR.DEE:Â Â Â Well first, letâ€™s drop the “adult” for a moment, and look at ADHD by
itself. ADHD is a disorder that includes several symptoms of
hyperactivity/impulsivity, and/or inattention. The main diagnostic
criteria include the following:
*Â Â Â often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless
mistakes in homework, work, or other activities
*Â Â Â often has difficulties sustaining attention in tasks or play
*Â Â Â often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
*Â Â Â often does not follow through instructions and fails to finish
schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional
behavior or failure to understand instructions)
*Â Â Â often has difficulties organizing tasks and activities
*Â Â Â often avoids, dislikes or is reluctant to engage in tasks that
require sustained mental efforts
*Â Â Â often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g. toys,
school assignments, pencils, books)
*Â Â Â is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli
*Â Â Â is often forgetful in daily activities
*Â Â Â often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat
*Â Â Â often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which
remaining seated is expected
*Â Â Â often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it
is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective
feelings of restlessness)
*Â Â Â often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities
*Â Â Â is often “on the go” or often acts as if “driven by a motor”
*Â Â Â often talks excessively
*Â Â Â often blurts out answers before questions have been completed
*Â Â Â often has difficulty awaiting turn
*Â Â Â often interrupt or intrudes on others (e.g. butts into
conversations or games)
You donâ€™t need to have all the symptoms, but you need to have at least 6
or more of either the inattentive symptoms for ADHD, Inattentive Type,
or at least 6 or more of the hyperactive/impulsive symptoms for ADHD,
Hyper-impulsive Type, or at least 6 of both for the ADHD, Combined Type.
CHUCKIE:Â My research into this topic found that this Disorder tends to focus
predominately on children, leaving the ADD adult population largely
under served. Do you agree?Â Why do you think this is?
DR.DEE:Â Â Â Ok, so back to this issue of the term “adult”, which we just set
aside. This diagnosis is actually classified in the DSM-IV-TR as one
that is “first diagnosed in infancy and childhood”. The symptoms above
need to actually be present BEFORE the age of 7. This is why the focus
is usually on children; the diagnostic criteria call for the symptoms
to have been present duringÂ early childhood.Â DSM-IV-TR does allow for a
diagnosis of ADHD, NOS (Not Otherwise Specified) for onset of symptoms
after the age of 7, but there is really no formal diagnosis in the DSM
called Adult ADHD. I donâ€™t think the adult population is “underserved” so
much as there are many people who just may never have been diagnosed
with this as children, and they are now looking up and realizing that
maybe they have a problem. And I think itâ€™s much easier for them to try
to call it ADHD than to consider that it may be any of several other
disorders that are not as palatable as ADHD seems to be. In adults, we
usually see more symptoms of inattention than hyperactivity and
impulsivity. Other diagnostic possibilities include anxiety,
depression, andÂ bipolar disorder, as well as caffeine or other drug
CHUCKIE:Â How can an adult recognize signs of this disorder with oneself?
DR.DEE:Â Â Â Well the criteria are the same as listed above, but you would
probably see it manifested in work settings rather than at school, as we
do with children.
CHUCKIE: Have you dealt with this disorder and if so what are the
manifestations that you have observed?
DR.DEE:Â Â Â Yes, I have dealt with the disorder in adults, butÂ many of the
adults who have it, that I have seen, also have another disorder such as
anxiety, depression, or bipolar disorder, which better accounts for the
symptoms. And from a purist perspective, if there is any other diagnosis
that can account for the symptoms of ADHD, then ADHD should NOT be
diagnosed at all, in favor of the other diagnosis. ADHD is SUPPOSED to
be a last resort diagnosis, which is to say that when you have ruled
out everything else as a possibility, THEN you can call it ADHD. These
days, though, people want to call ADHD as soon as possible.
CHUCKIE:Â What treatment options are available and how should one seek help?
DR.DEE:Â Â Â Well, you can go to anyÂ behavioral health clinicÂ for diagnosis.
Treatment options include learning ways to organize yourself, learning
self-control, and also medication management. Medications are usually
stimulent-based, which is why itâ€™s so important to make sure what you
have is really ADHD and not anxiety or bipolar disorder. If you give a
stimulent to someone with anÂ anxiety disorder, itâ€™s likely to make the
anxiety worse. Same can be true with the other disorders.
CHUCKIE:Â Any further advice on this disorder from your perspective?
DR.DEE:Â Â Â Yes, if you suspect you may have ADHD, itâ€™s probably a really good
idea to talk with your parents about this. Ask them if you had these
symptoms when you were in elementary school, ask them if others in the
family have ever been diagnosed with it. Ask them if they remember what
teachers used to say about you. Also, be sure to check out your caffeine
intake. I donâ€™t know how many times I have had an adult swear they had
ADHD, and then when I ask about coffee and power drinks and coke and
Pepsi and mountain dew and tea intake, they are way off the charts! And
they wonder why they canâ€™t sit still and canâ€™t keep themselves organized
and cant get to sleep feel like they have ADHD!
CHUCKIE:Â Well Doc, as usual let me say it has been a pleasure to sit in your presence and pick that beautiful mind!
DR. DEE:Â Again, flattery “WILL” get you everywhere.Â Hey guy my pleasure and Happy New Year!Â Let me remind the readers that they can reach me at no charge at APPLESOFGOLD.INFO if there is ever a need to mull something over.Â See ya next week.
CHUCKIE:Â Well passengers see next week for…wow, session 6 already!
Hey Passengerâ€™s please pass this along to those who may need it, and remember thereâ€™s free help available at:
Hey passengers, I really don’t take for-granted that everyone on the train has heard of Skype so this week’s tech tip is meant to “Just Introduce you 2”, not to make you an expert.Â Basically I am teaching you to fish, .i.e. Google Skype, which is free and spread the news about this way cool resource.Â Use your imagination, the possibilities to save money are “almost” endless.Â I’ve included a short version intro fun clip (clip one), and the bottom clip for a more expanded and slower explanation.
Hey passengers, here we go, another session withÂ Doctor Dee (Dr. Deidra Hayman).Â This week we offer a view into our session on dealing with the loss of a loved one at the holidays.Â I hope this is in someway helpful…pls share:
CHUCKIE: My friend, thank you for giving us an extra visit this week.Â As I confided, my Brother lost his mother yesterday.Â This week we (you and I) had originally produced a session concerning Adult Attention Deficit disorder.Â However, in light of this unexpected tragedy and that of my cousin who was murdered a few weeks back I would like to ask that we do a quick switch to “dealing with the loss of a loved one”, especially at Christmas.Â Can you offer up any initial advice? DR.DEE: First, Chuckie, I am so sorry to hear of this loss. I know they were important to you, your brother, Ewing, You r Uncle Charles and those who were close to them. Loss is never easy, even when itâ€™s expected, even when you have time to prepare. But when you donâ€™t have time to prepare, when the loss is unexpected, it can be that much more difficult. Itâ€™s important to keep in mind that everyone grieves differently, and most ways are ok, as long as they donâ€™t involve self-harm. Some people go into shock or fall apart, and for a while there, they donâ€™t function very well. Others may appear as though they have no reaction to the loss at all, because they are in denial that the person is really even gone. At least at first. Others cry it out for a while, then they donâ€™t cry anymore. Still others will cry daily until they’ve “finished” crying. Some people become very angry at the loss: either angry at themselves for not having “finished their business” with the lost loved one, or angry at the person for “leaving”, or even angry with God for “taking them”. Everyone is different, so itâ€™s important to let each individual find their own way to grieve, and to try not to force someone to behave in a way that may feel right for us, but not for them.
CHUCKIE: What can friends do to lend support to the family that would genuinely be of help. DR.DEE: If a person is truly a friend, then the best approach is simply to ask the grieving person what it is that they need. Unfortunately, when someone dies, friends can become afraid to ask, because they fear causing the griever additional pain by bringing up the loss. We often donâ€™t know what the appropriate thing is, to say or do. But simply asking “what do you need right now? How can I help you bear this right now?” is an excellent way to “be there”. As I said before, each person deals with grief differently, so each person will need something different from a friend. As an example, when I got the news that my father had passed several years ago, I was on my way to church. I was married at that time. Now what I really needed was just to be left alone with my thoughts. I didnâ€™t want anyone to know yet, but my then husband was in the car when I called my family and received the news. As soon as we got to church, without asking me what I wanted, he began telling people, including the pastor, that my father had just died. It was announced in church, and I had only found out 15 minutes before. I needed time to process this for myself, alone, and suddenly I had to deal with well-meaning, but unwanted attention from members and friends. Now he meant it to be supportive. He would have wanted that for himself, so he thought it would be a kind thing to do for me. But it just felt intrusive right at that moment. What I needed was privacy. So asking is important.
CHUCKIE: How much of this support is too much, how much not enough? DR.DEE: Again, that all depends on the individual. Itâ€™s so important to ask. In my example above, what was done in kindness was just way too much for me at that time. But it would not have been for someone else. In fact, for others, if he had not done all that, some people would have felt very unsupported. Grief is one of those times above all times, when the needs of each individual should be solicited and honored. Again, asking is a good thing. And then watching for signals. IfÂ a friend is insisting on “helping” or trying to get the grieving person to “talk about it”, and the person is not being responsive, then listen to the signals and back off with a statement like “well, you know I am here if you need me”. If the griever is sending signals like itâ€™s too much, then itâ€™s too much. But sometimes a friend doesnâ€™t know its “not enough” unless they ask. So again, ask. And not just once, but periodically. Sometimes a person doesnâ€™t KNOW what they need until a few days or even weeks have passed. Sometimes what they need when they first find out is not what they need as the funeral draws nigh, or weeks or months after the headstone has been placed. So ask, and ask from time to time (not every five minutes) for as long as it takes.
CHUCKIE: What type of support is available (and of course www.applesofgold.info) to families? DR.DEE: Families can seek the support of friends and other family members, and many times thatâ€™s all that is needed. Often the funeral rituals help a grieving person to come to grips with the loss to a great degree. Sometimes a person’s grief becomes depression, and then all the suggestions we have made in the past for addressing depression become valid. There are also usually grief groups sponsored by area churches, mental health agencies, and hospitals. These can also be quite helpful.
CHUCKIE: Again I want to thank you for this special session.Â Do you have any parting thoughts or words of advice for those of us going through this situation at this time? DR.DEE: Yes, take the time to celebrate your lost loved one. Have your Christmas. But bring in the happy memories of the loved one. Rejoice in the blessing she was to you and your family. Share pictures. Share your favorite stories and memories. Choose a special ornament for the tree, or create a special “present” for unwrapping, that has some special token of remembrance of your loved one. Cry together. Sing favorite songs together. Suffering a loss during the holiday season can actually be a blessing, because this is a time when family is usually together. Support each other. Toast your loved one at the Christmas dinner. Share what you’ve learned from her.Â Be grateful that she is now awaiting the resurrection, and tighten your own walk with the Lord, so you will be sure to join her in the air, when He comes. I will be praying for you all during this time of grief.
CHUCKIE: Hey, Doc, thank you so much!Â Talk to you next week, Love you! Dr.DEE: Love you too…
Hey Passenger’s please pass this along to those who may need it, and remember there’s free help available at:
Ok, so let he who is without sin cast the first stone, but I bought me some mega million tickets. 164 mil jackpot! If I hit,
Cam chillin in the Jacuzzi...
I’m gonna start populating the earth. At my age i still want my twin boys and twin girls! HEY! It could happen. Charles & Prince (my middle name) and Charla And Princess! Stop laughing and no I ain’t drinkin!Â I just want babies! But only if”n I have money to give, them errie’thang…like “EDUCATION!”Â I would spoil them but, Neva hesitate to tap them little tails…if they stepped out of line.Â Well, I think I would have to have the Woman…(My wife) tap my little gurls tails…LOL…would probably be hard to tap my little girl baby’s tail…unless they disrespected the woman…(My Wife).
I want to get started quickly so they can hang with their little cousin, Cameron.Â Ok so help me out here…How wired would that be…and what would they be?Â Cam is my Great Nephew, so what would they be?
Have you ever really thought about time? (Go with me on this.) I have been thinking about time a lot lately. Not because I am 50 years old, not because I am working on a space/time continuum dimensional refraction machine for DARPA (not that I would admit it if I was) but because time just keeps going on. This is what I discovered recently. (I know, I know, most of you knew this already!)
The thing is, I believe most people view time as something that actually changes depending on what they are doing. For instance, if you are standing in line at a â€œconvenience storeâ€ while various folks like myself who should be using their hard earned money to pay for food throw it away on lottery tickets (OK, I digress.) Anyway, while standing in said line, time seems to drag on forever. However, when you are enjoying working on your book seeing it come to life or coming up with a great thought to blog about, time seems to fly by! (OK, so I have lofty ambitions, can’t a brutha dream about being on Oprah chatting about his best seller!) Anyway, the bottom line isâ€¦ I have discovered that, actually, whether you are standing in the line thinking what you will do with your lottery winnings, or, whether you are enjoying getting your geek on, time is ACTUALLY moving at a precise, stable, actual forward motion. Never backward. Always forward. One second followed by the next. Sigh.
And time can not be retrieved. A second gone isâ€¦ gone. And if you want more seconds, or more minutes, in a given hourâ€¦ you wonâ€™t get it. It is always 3600 seconds, or 60 minutesâ€¦ no more, no less. So, if you try and pack more â€œstuffâ€ that you need to get done into a given hourâ€¦ well, you will only have an hour to do it.
â€œOK, OK,â€ you say, â€œWhatâ€™s up with the Conductor?â€ Well, much as I would like to ohâ€¦ say, get a blog article doneâ€¦ like I promised yesterdayâ€¦ well, thereâ€™s only 3600 seconds; only 60 minutes, in an hour. Only 24 hours in a day. And, sadly, I DO have to sleep at night (though admittedly, I havenâ€™t been doing as much of that as I should lately!)
Anyhoo, hereâ€™s what can happen. Commit yourself to too many things, have too many major life changes and actually, selfishly, make time to eat and sleep, and you have the magic formula for losing time. Time never to be returned. Time that just keeps ticking on.
Look here…this is your Baby Boy Cameron (Junior LiFeTrain conductor in training).
Check it…Me and my Uncle have a gift for yall to help start the Christmas week out right.Â He and I want to make sure you know the reasonÂ …well click on your baby and prepare to be blessed!Â Oh, and ignore that stuff on my chin…sugah water baby..sugah watar!
One of my favorite songs by this group.Â Also, I thought it would be a great accompaniment, like a fine wine with dinner, for today’s session with the Doctor, see following: SESSION THREE on the couch with Dr. Dee.Â Kick it off and check out this week’s interview.
All Aboard!Â Head on back to the Doctor’s office,Â Dr. Diedra Hayman and your conductor are bringing you SESSION Three of Therapy Thursdays.Â Today we look at what are some of the hindrances to us’ins relating in a more intimate way.Â I really enjoy’d this particular session and my allergies (wink, wink) almost started flaring up as the Doc was bringing back some of my own stuff.Â But hey, I am the Ultimate MACHO MAIN and that moment passed REAL QUICK; I recognized her tricks!
I must say, she is good at getting one to open up…so having said that feel free to check her out at:Â www.applesofgold.info.
SESSION THREE (Njoy and God Bless!!!):
CHUCKIE: What issues can cause one to struggle in the area of intimacy with the opposite sex? Dr.Dee: Gosh Chuckie, there are so many issues that can cause problems with intimacy in general, as well as intimacy with the opposite sex, in particular. I think you did something on that issue a few months ago, and several people, including yourself, came up with some very good reasons why people struggle in this area. If you pop that in a search engine, you will find another hundred or so reasons. But the big ones seem to be related to inability to trust, mental health issues including active addictions, failure to cultivate intimacy (which can be an issue of priority), childhood issues, cultural influences (including gender roles and stereotypes) and negative past experiences.
CHUCKIE: Is it more prevalent in one sex? Dr.Dee: I suspect its more recognizable in men than in women. Women generally are trained from babyhood, to talk, to share their emotions, to get close. Men, in general, are taught that the macho thing to do is swat someone on the butt, suck it up, and keep your business to yourself. And if they do share, its the bare minimum, whereas women want to go into all the gory details of whatever. The other issue is that men generally are more likely to feel vulnerable, which is what intimacy requires, by the way, and men just dont care for that feeling of vulnerability.
CHUCKIE: What types of childhood issues could cause such barriers? Dr.Dee: Well, how a person attached or failed to attach to a parent or caregiver can set one up for intimacy problems. If you grow up in a household where you could not trust the world (ie your caregiver) to meet your needs, it becomes very difficult to trust that people “out there” will meet your needs. Since the ability to trust is one of the necessary elements to intimacy, people who never learn to trust never learn to become intimate emotionally. Also, if a person grows up in an abusive household, or being abused by people they are supposed to be able to count on, intimacy becomes very risky. Its simply too dangerous to share too much of themselves, because often that information was used against the person to perpetuate the abuse. Low self-esteem can also pose a barrier to intimacy, and this is usually something that develops during childhood. If we never learn to love ourselves, its difficult to believe someone else will.
CHUCKIE: Have you found that divorce can lend greatly to this issue? Dr Dee: That really depends on the person. Certainly, a divorce can cause problems with intimacy, but generally its safe to say that the problems that caused teh divorce are more likely responsible than the actual divorce itself. Some people are more resilient than others. They are able to understand within themselves that whatever happened in that marriage was something unique to that marriage, and it doesnt necessarily mean that the next partner will be the same. Others simply cannot bring themselves to separate the past from the present and future, and their damaged ability to trust will give them trouble with intimacy for years to come.
CHUCKIE: Should one seek help? Dr Dee: Certainly one should seek help if they realize that they do in fact have trouble establishing intimate relationships. Problem is, many people who do have trouble, tend to believe its the other person! In fact, in many cases, people who have problems with intimacy, tend to be drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable. In other words, they tend to be drawn to people with whom they will NOT have to actually become intimate, while at the same time claiming to be seeking intimacy from that person. If the other person were to actually become emotionally available, then the seeker would probably turn around and find a reason why they cant be in that relationship. Its just becoming too close for comfort!
CHUCKIE: Doc, I came up with a Chuckism as I am so apt to do. I call it emotional impotency. For example, can a person be hurt by a spouse, lover, or church to the point of becoming emotionally impotent? One may want to love and be loved, or be active in the church, but due to catastrophic experiences, have trouble connecting? Dr Dee: Absolutely. That really gets us into how people sometimes respond to traumatic events. If someone we trust hurts us deeply, damaging our ability to trust, sometimes, people are traumatized by that event. One of the behaviors associated with post trauma response is emotional numbing. We just dont feel anymore. Another behavior associated with post trauma response is avoidance of anything that reminds us of the traumatic event…so we avoid relationships. We avoid connecting with others. We pretend to get involved, but we hold ourselves back emotionally. We become, as you say, emotionally impotent. Now another thing that can happen after deep hurt, is, you guessed it, depression and grief. If you remember, one of thesymptoms of depression is lack of interest in things you used to enjoy…such as sex and close relationships…and also social withdrawal. You simply dont want to be around folks. Or if you have no choice, or you are keeping up the front, you simply dont get too close. You keep it all on the surface.
CHUCKIE: Well, we need to wrap this one up. Is there anything you want to add? Dr Dee: Yes, emotional intimacy rests on emotional health. That means taking time to discover and address your own emotional needs, even if it means getting in to a therapist or pastor. Emotional intimacy also requires a good bit of courage and a positive attitude. It takes courage to allow yourself to become vulnerable to another human being, especially since we have all been hurt by someone at some time somewhere. And we do tend to draw the energy we send out. If we expect betrayal, we tend to draw people who give us what we are looking for. If we expect emotional distance, we tend to draw people who are emotionally unavailable.
CHUCKIE: Well Doc, Session three is in the can.Â Thanks for stopping by the Train.Â Is there anything you’d like to close with.Â Oh, let me remind the Passenger’s that your website is www.applesofgold.info (CLICK).Â A place where professional help can be found at a great price…FREE!Â Now, again…is there anything else you’d like to leave us with today? Dr.Dee: Well, yes there is as a matter of fact.Â Given that my organization is founded in Christianity I’d like to leave our passengers with a few scriptures from the Bible:
…and He rested on the seventh day from all His work which He had made. And God blessed the seventh day and sanctified it…Gen.2:2-3
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy…But the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord…Ex. 20:11
…the Son of man is Lord also of the Sabbath. Luke 6:5, Mark 2:28
And he (Paul) reasoned in the synagogue every Sabbath, and pursuaded the Jews and the Greeks. Acts 18:4
JOIN US NEXT THURSDAY “THERAPY THURSDAYS” FOR SESSION FOUR WITH DR. DEE